Monday, October 2, 2006

Urban IX in the Making

From the start of the month, I began reading books of the saint - Padre Pio, S. Therese of Lisieux, Three Religious Rebels, St. Martin de Pores and before the end of the month, I started reading Biblical commentaries of Raymond Brown.

One of the most significant thing that come out from my readings is that I started to have the desire to be like them. I wanted to become a stigmatist. I imagined already the pain and the many hardships that it would bring me as well as the grace that it would also bring the people. But it never came. I was reminded that it is a gift that is only given by God to a few, chosen, good, worthy persons. I am not one of them so far. But somehow, I was able to insist on the celebration of the feast of Padre Pio by preparing the breviary proper for Padre Pio.

The main reason why I decided to read on St. Therese of the child Jesus because one early morning of the second week of the month, I woke up saying her name. I just came out from a dream and I brought it till I woke up. Puzzled of what it could mean, I took a book that talks about her and tried to read but I felt bored so I stopped reading it and returned it to the library after 3 days or 4. I could remember that I started with St. Therese before I entered the seminary. She inspired me. It was a coincidence even that at that same year in March, her relics were brought to the Philippines and I happen to help in the Diocese to decorate the float of the relic with the youth of the second vicariate and Ate Dehna. I recalled back that it was from her that I was inspired being a missionary since she is the patron of missions. Its nice to get back with the initial formations that I have had.

One early morning, 2 days after dreaming of St. Therese, I dreamt about being named URBAN, elevated to the seat of Peter. There was the ceremony, the mighter, the staff, the Vatican, the cardinals, the people, etc. I did not understand what it meant although I am used to dream about being in the Vatican, or with the cardinals or meeting the pope or seeing the popes with different faces, being a cardinal… but this one… why Urban. Why did it came out to be my name. I remember, the reason why attached the name John to my name and I am fond now to call myself John Luis is because one night also I dreamt that the Lord Jesus came and talked with me and he called me John. John the beloved was then my patron saint as I declared it in my journal in first year philosophy together with Peter as co patron so I also often use John Peter Marie Louis to name some of my paper works or writings. Marie came from Mary the mother of Jesus because of her frequent visits and manifestations on dreams and because of our family's devotion to the Our Lady of Sorrows where I personally carved, made a 7 foot image of the Sorrowful Mother. Now another name came out. This time given by people…URBAN. Why Urban? I ask myself, I read the encyclopedia and there it was that there were eight Urban popes that had ruled the church. Some were bad and some were notable ones. One reflection I got is that maybe I am exhibiting bad traits or bad attitudes and I have to be aware of it. Second maybe It is an affirmation to some good attitudes that I have already. Third is that maybe this was just brought about by my obsessions on wanting to carry on the life of the proclaimed saints. I may be desiring to be holy indeed and to be sanctified for the greater glory of God. Fourth, if ever this maybe a prophecy, a premonition of what I might become, I believe it is too impossible to happen because it seems too ambitious and to good to be true. Besides I want to become a missionary. But if ever it comes true… then I would go for a missionary way of leading the whole church. What ever that dream meant, though there are so many cases already all throughout my life that I dreamt like this and this is the first time with a name, I decided that from now on the name URBAN IX will be a special name for me, a significant one that I may use in the near futire. Who knows that may be the name of the next pope after Benedict XVI or much later.

By the last week of the month, I decided that I shall take down notes every morning every detail that I can remember on my dreams every early morning or at night as much as I can recall so that I may see patterns or messages specially on reapeated dreams, appearances of people, names, repetition of procession of Holy Week carozas specially the Nazareno and the Dolorosa.

Another thing that I saw this month is that despite my desire to do the same prayer devotions, penance, etc that the saints do, I felt afraid because of the consequences of it specially that which the devil can do. I am already experiencing a part of it. Some nights or early mornings, I can always feel that somebody is in the room watching over me, a scary figure, a feeling that makes all my hair stand. A feeling that a ghost or a spirit is lingering around and whispering bad casts. There are two things that can make the devil away. One is to say prayers - Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be, and sometimes the Creed over and over and say IN the Name of Jesus leave me alone! And the other thing is to succumb into doing something bad just to satisfy the desire of the devil and to never look forward to come again because he knows that I am bad. This coming of the bad spirit only happens when I am fully inspired with the works of God or when I just came from a heartwhelming prayer experience or I was inspired by a saint and desired to do the same that he did when he was alive. And also in times that I pray a lot for people's salvation or for healing of somebody. It seems that there's a force that is trying to contradict it or to stop it or to block it. I don’t know. From this, I realized that I am still weak in faith and still weak in many aspects because I am still afraid. But I also have decided that by October, as long as my novice master would allow me to pray at midnight, to have some mystic activities on my own, to have solitude and others things that can make me more holy or sanctified, I sahll do it. but if not, then I shall make use of what I can do and at the same time be obedient to what the superior says and what the community demands. But I would like that the community would not ever notice any of my extraordinary activities and my desire to serve God more fully.

This month, there were two main events that had happened. One is the coming of the General Superior and the second is the GODSTRUCK youth gathering that I suggested to the community to hold. The gathering was significant to me because I finally saw that I really have changed course in leadership. Finally I have implemented in myself the DELEGATION-EMPOWERMENT style of Leadership. The other thing that I realized is that I am more of the Formation than just mere activities or mere programs without purpose, objective and a flavor of formation. In the formation, it must carry the message of Christ, the Love of God for us and make sure that I am only a porter, a vehicle for God for him to be able to transform people. I offered that Godstruck to God. I was very happy that Fr. Dodong agreed and consecrated the youth to the Blessed Virgin Mary during the Mass. I hope the priests, the missionaries would also find the importance of forming the youth and their would-be-role in the church of the future.

When Fr. Vic Sadaya came for his talk on community, he handed me a letter that touched deeply my heart. The letter came from one of the college seminarians. He was Heran de Sagun. It was the first time that he wrote such dramatic but true to life revelation of what is happening to his family. Because of my connection to their family, also knowing that they had been good to me, took me as their son also, gave me a shelter whenever I do vocation campaign in Camarines Sur, and maybe because also of my love for the people of God, I decided to contact Ate Marisa Doctor and instructed her to take 2000.00 from the 5000.00 worth of money that I have kept supposed to be for Mommy's fair and trip needs when she comes for my first profession so that she can also go around Cebu or wherever she wants to go. I asked ate Marisa to just give the 2000 to him and never to ask him for any payback. He can have the money without paying for it when they finally rose up from financial crisis. I just asked her to ask him to be good to others when time comes that somebody else would be in dire need. I also wrote Heran and tried to console him and advised not to leave the seminary just because of money and family financial crisis. I blessed him in the end as well as Ate Marissa for being good too. I just pray that there will be more generous people in the world. I hope I have touched their hearts and have set an example for them to do also to other people. I just prayed that my Mom would understand what I did.

In the apostolate, I realized that the people are amazed, decided to learn more about the Gospels, the scriptures but when challenges arises, they tend to leave. When they are struck in the heart, they decide to go back to the conventional, to the customary, to traditional which is baby in faith. They are afraid to embrace the grace and the real beauty of living a Christian life. its too hard to preach then in the sense that all have no such same ears for Christ. This I consider normal but if a missionary can do something about it… it would be better that it starts with challenging the people to live a good life, a life that is based on good values - Love and fear in God and that is all. From there follows everything.

For the community, I have had the chance to serve them well by having many time to catalogue the books in the library, cover them with plastic and arrange them in proper categories etc. I am happy of their affirmations and their critiques. Their suggestions were well welcomed so far.

I offer the whole month of September to the Lord who gave me life. A thanksgiving too to my grandparents Luis and Charing who had their 1st death anniversary with the celebration of the feast of Mater Dolorosa. Likewise I offer prayers for my Lolo Jesus who celebrated his birthday on the feast of the Archangels though he's dead already as well as my Lola Erning who often times comes also in the dreams.

May the Lord be always glorified in all things. May I be sanctified and live a holy life. May I live in grace for the Lord.

(John Peter Marie Luis)
Feast of the Guardian Angels
Monthly Journal - September 2006

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